Wilco! Tango! Foxtrot!

So, I’m walking through my local bookstore as I often do. As I cruise down each aisle I’m confused and astounded — Paranormal Romance has become a legit form of literature.

Now, I’m sure this all started with “Twilight”

But it doesn’t end there…

It’s bad enough that a generation of young women are being warped by a Mormon to think that “Eternal Love” with some creepy sharp toothed bat-caver is sexy.  Sure it opens the door for a number of scrawny goths that otherwise wouldn’t get laid till well into college, but the more I think about it the creepier it becomes. The Vampire’s equivalent to a kiss is a fang puncture to the neck, and whose ever tried to have sex in a coffin? Will “My boyfriend can’t come out during the day” become an attractive quality, a common phrase. Will the palest man attract the most women? Will puncture marks become the new hickey? I already don’t understand emo — vampire teens could really fuck me up.

But it’s not just young girls indulging in this twisted fantasy. Grown-ass-women are reading books about “sexy vampires” — they may be lonely — they may be desperate — but since when is having a ghoul lurking outside your window at night hot? Most of these Moms, Divorcees and Old Maids would shit a brick if they actually had a man outside their window sills at night, but apparently it’s alright if he’s already dead and there to ravish them off to the underworld. Why the hell is does this shit sell?

Creepy old maid vamprotica

Yeah yeah yeah, there was that whole Anne Rice thing back in the nineties — but I guess I had hoped that would be an isolated incident, not an all consuming fad.

Was Nosferatu sexy?  No.

Couldn't get laid to save his life.

Bela Lugosi was a fine man, and an excellent Dracula… but doable?

She didn't go willingly.

Hell Bram Stoker’s Dracula — the most famous vampire of all. Sure he had scores of women… but was he getting any?

Not this century!

Historically, all vampires have been modelled after Vlad the Impaler — and he didn’t get that name from the ladies. This douche impaled his enemies on wooden stakes and placed their rotting bodies around town. I’m sure he had his share of wenches — But you’d have to be one stunned turbo-slut to wanna get with this guy.

The Original Creepy Motherfucker.

Goddamn the more I think about this the more fucked it becomes. Hell the hottest girl I know could be levitating outside my window asking for  a piece and I still wouldn’t open’er up and give her my soul. I’d get a wooden stake and take care of the bitch! And while I’m not advocating burning books or even censorship, I’m really weirded out. And the first dorky teen I see pimping fangs is getting a smack in the head.